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duboya mujhko 'hoanay' ne! mei na hoti tou kya hota?

i was ready to tell
the story of my life
but the ripple of tears
and the agony of my heart
wouldn't let me

i began to stutter
saying a word here and there
and all along i felt as tender as a crystal
ready to be shattered

in this stormy sea we call life
all the big ships, they come apart
board by board
how can i survive
riding a lonely
little boat
with no oars
and no arms

my boat did finally break
by the waves
and i broke free
as i tied myself
to a single board

though the panic is gone
i am now offended!
why should i be so helpless?
rising with one wave
and falling with the next
i don't know
if i am nonexisting
while i exist...
but i know for sure
when i am,
i am not!
but when i am not,
then i am!

since in this world
i have many times
like my own imagination,
died
and been born again

that is why
after a long agonizing life
as a hunter,
i finally let go
and got hunted down
and became free

credits probably go to Moulana Rumi (not sure!)

thoughtstop : actions speak louder than words

A wonderfully cloudy day, a light crisp breeze and a whole lot of lush green grass under her feet .... a scenario so perfect that in other circumstances she would have loved it.

But here she is, not knowing why did she ever agree to be there at all ... a situation so utterly uncomfortable for her and she knew this was how it would be. Still she agreed, maybe to put an end to his endless complaints of how she never gave him enough time or importance.

They talk. No, he does. She pretends to be clinging to every word of his. A mask of faked interest to which he is ignorant. Its better this way, she thinks.

And then he decides to take a walk. Her hands grow cold and a chill runs up and down her spine. Her sixth sense tells her to run away but she knows she cant. So she keeps walking, dreading the moment he asks her something to which she will have no answer.

The moment comes ... and goes. The silent lingers. He is probably being very much a gentleman and waiting for her answer very patiently. Words fail her. No, he says; he needs an answer then and there. Cannot wait, you had ample time to think.

And for just one instant, she closes her eyes and asks God for help. She knows the answer but no courage to spell it out to him.

When she opens her eyes, she does not see his questioning eyes as she had imagined she would. Instead she hears him say to her :

'mera khayal tha keh ab tak hum saath chal rahay hei ek rastay per. mei ne dhyaan hi nai diya aur tumne rasta hi badal lia?'

She turns in the direction of his voice and realizes that what had seemed an instant to her, was probably a minute of walking in a direction so further away from him that they were now standing far apart. She decides to wait for him to come over and they walk again.

'chalo mei tumko wapis ghar drop kardoon', he says. She looks at him with a blank expression.

'kuch nai. mujhe bilkul mehsoos nai horaha hei keh hum saath chal rahay hei'.

He got the answer without her saying any words.

Ignorant, Arrogant and a poor memory

They had been taking my interview for the last 30 minutes. Big deal? Not really....they seemed to have all the time in the world and did not really care that it was Jumma time, that alot of the guys still needed to be interviewed and that it had already been more than 2 hours of waiting time before even my name was called up. Seemed pretty unfair to the candidates prolly because i was one of them but oh well!

It went a fairly good interview and i suppose i gave almost all the right answers (if there is any such thing!!). As the interview came to a close, i popped up the wrong question :S i dared to ask the two (one male, the other female) their names and what they taught at the place. It wasnt a big deal as far as i knew but the reaction i got from the mister xyz was surprising.

me : may i know ur names please? (and i did say it in the most respecting manner!)

xyz : *looks up with a shocked expression* u dont know us?

me : *blank... are these really really famous ppl?*

xyz : didnt u buy the prospectus? didnt u go through it?

me : i did both

xyz : and u still dont know who v r? *takes out the grade sheet again and i feel like killing myself for getting my ownself into trouble*...... thats quite unflattering. prospectus mei sabka naam designation and pictures hei.

me : i know sir, but i also believe there were almost a 100 intros for the faculty. i find it hard to imagine knowing them all. i just know a few by name.

xyz : it shows u r ignorant, arrogant and u have a very bad memory.

me : * i sit back on the seat without invitation because now hes giving me the irks cmmenting like this* and how does it prove all these qualities in me? *asking him and then looking at the lady hoping for some response from her*

xyz : u probably didnt bother through the prospectus thinking ur times too precious shows u r ignorant. if u did, still u were arrogant enough to just note the names of the president and higher-ups here *too bad i felt like telling him that they are both my relavtives but bit my tongue because of his already unbelievable remarks about me* and further more, even if we suppose u did read all about our faculty, u seem unable to match names and faces and remember either of them at all....shows clear signs of a bad memory.

me : *blank and blank and blank*..... right, so i apologize for such an inadequate question :)

xyz : apne aur kabhi interview diya hei kya ever? did u ask such a ridiculous question ever?

me : uhhh never felt the need sir. they were nice enough to introduce themselves or they had name-plates

the lady : actually u r right. we should have those here. i am surprised nobody else asked. i dont mind her question at all. its a very appropriate question. * blank look on her face* y do u wanna know?

me : *oh craaaaaaaaaaaaap wat now :S* just so i can remember and also bcos everyones gonna ask kisne lia interview and also bcos my dad taught me that u shud give ur name and ask the same. its proper etiquettes he says.

lady : theek theek i do agree. i am so and so and he is so and so...

me : thank u :) * and out i go!*


Was i wrong in asking? Even if i was, i definitely dont agree to his replies.
Being the Head of Faculty of a very reputable educational institute must not get to your head. Atleast not in my opinion. I give a damn if i dont get through to the merit list.

Delayed and/or Denied

Justice delayed, is justice denied.
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and what about Dreams?

Got the chance to hear the really nice ghazal from the drama series ' tum kaisi muhabbat kartay ho'. Its been sung marvellously and although the dramas themselves are a wee bit too much on the tragic side, i just simply had to watch one of the episodes and write down the lyrics.... and if ever someone asked me how i spend my life, this is all the words that would sum up everything that i am!

Tum kaisi Mohabbat karte ho?

Tum jahan pe beth ke jaate ho

Jis cheez ko haath lagate ho

Main wahin pe bethi rehti hoon

Us cheez ko chooti rehti hoon

Main aisi Mohabbat karti hoon

Tum kaisi Mohabbat karte ho?

Tum jis se hans ker milte ho

Main us ko dost banati hoon

Tum jis raaste per chalte ho

Main us raaste per aati jaati hoon

Main aisi Mohabbat karti hoon

Tum kaisi Mohabbat karte ho?

Kuch khuwab saja ker ankhon main

Palkon se moti chunti hoon

Tum se milne julne ke

Kitne hi bahane rakhti hoon

Main aisi Mohabbat karti hoon

Tum kaisi Mohabbat karte ho?

back to blogging?

back on blogworld? maybe :S not so sure n hence i duno if i shud b happy or not :( actually, im pretty dheet n hence, i shalllllllllllllllllll b happy!!! atleast im able to post for now so, yesh! me happy *grin* :D

blog-world seems all strange somehow. mainly because i was so used to the large screen n this new one is a chota sa chickoo in comparison. also, all the blogger beta versions r unaccessible for reasons unknown. n then again, my own blog seems to be dancing on its own tune ahhhhhhhhhhhh i cant see none of the customizations i had done here. i have to redo all the links with a 'pkblogs.com' thingy n feel like strangling the people who banned blogger in pakiland. but wait wait....im still able to blog n hence, im grinning heheh yaaaaa im super duper dheet.

rozay have been kinda hard with the heat wave but Alhumdolillah no power outages unlike at MystaKool's place. i totally skipped the first sehri cos i was too sleepy but the morning after, my dad gave me such glaring looks that i knew i ws 'fixed' for the whole month to b outta bed n doing something in the kitchen.(i can run here n there appear busy n do nothing muahahaha) honestly though, i have no idea wat the fuss is!! y cant u just have some cereal n water or milk n boiled eggs n be done? why the parathay n saalans n wat nots that some ppl eat !! my momsy is totally so nice to make parathay for my bhais n dad but she'll b done good in a week n my turn to make the sehri will come n then NO PARATHAY. i am so not sharmindah that i dont do that :D tea is fine for me. water namaz n back to sleeeeeeeeeep.n thats for everybody!!

tons of all-u-can-eat deals out here for iftari but everyones wanting to go have a party on my bday... naaaaaaye i'll cook sth n take all the money for myself hehe ... for today i made chicken biryani n it turned out hellla goooooood yayyyyy

ramadan is supposed to b all about ibadah n here, im not scoring too well :( not good i know but the tv keeps me hooked up with Zakir Naik's totally cool programs n oooooooooooooh how i love the nasheeds they play by Zain Bhikiya. i cudnt get any of his cassettes which is quite strange but im still looking out for it. One of the channels plays the Qaseedah Burdah with the wordings n i ws very very glad abt it since i wanna learn atleast some of it InshaAllah. everything apart, i totally love how ramadan brings us all together on the table at a set time. this is how things shud b in normal life n not an exclusive once-a-year kinda thingy. sad! n i love the lil kiddies so happy with iftari time even though they werent even fasting hehe its just something so cute n Allah SWT has done all Muslims a favor in this way that atleast in ramadan v do stick n sit together :)

sooooooooooooooooo okay i need to work on tons of stuff in life n i will share it all as much as is possible. do pray i get a pc n a net connection at home so i can bounce back to the blog-world hehe

i totally love this place, n tons of thanx to everyone who visit this crazy world of mine :)

A very HAPPY n BLESSED RAMADAN to all! do remember in prayers pls.

tumse chalti rahay ye rah..yunhi acha hei

After having extending my DSL till 15th, i have now been told to dismantle the pc-table n everything related put it in a box n make it ready to go :( Nothing good in here because i so preferred spending some time online after each tiring day of shopping,packing,visits to the bank and even having to give enough time to my cosins who have come over from Florida and DC.
So now, the pc is sitting flat on the floor and im happy typing away until momsy catches me not sleeping :D *hope not!!* I have no idea if im gonna b blogging or reading all u wonderful people's comments for quite sometime becuase i prefer not to login from my aunt's place. This blog is a secret i share with people who might not even know my real name; n yet its hidden from my own immediate family lols...probably thats y im still alive! ..

Going through my old mails, i found this long forgotten piece by Faiz..signing out from the blog till tomorrow, the day after or even the next month. Enjoy..

Yaad ki raahguzaar – jis pe isi soorat se

Muddatain beet gai hain tumhain chaltay chaltay

Khatm ho jaye jo – do chaar qadam aur chalo

Moar parta hai jahan dasht-e-faramoshi ka

Jis se aagay na koi mai hoon, na koi tum ho

Saans thaamay hain nigaahain – keh na jaanay kis dam

Tum palat aao, guzar jao, ya murr kar dekho

Garche waaqif hain nigaahain – keh yeh sub dhoka hai

Gar kaheen tum se hum-aghosh hui phir se nazar

Phoot niklay gi waheen aur koi raahguzar

Phir usi tarha jahan hoga maqabil paiham

Saaya-e-zulf ka, aur jumbish-e-bazu ka safar

Doosri baat bhi jhooti hai keh dil jaanta hai

Yaan koi moar, koi dasht, koi ghaat nahi

Jiske parday mai mera maah-e-rawaan doob sakay

Tum se chalti rahay yeh raah – yunhi achha hai

Tum ne murr kar bhi na dekaha – to koi baat nahi